Eyes Wide Open

“From Both Sides of the Bars…,” can be a cold expression, no matter which way one might look at it. However for me, it has an entirely different feeling, most likely because of actually being able to look through those iron bars from different angles.

Let me start by saying as I write today, my heart is heavy as I have lost another friend from behind the gates of I.D.O.C. I cannot begin to express my sorrow at one of these beautiful women obtaining their freedom just to lose their life so soon after walking out the barb-wired fence. Lately, it seems to be happening quite often though and at this, my heart breaks.

I started this blog with the intentions of not only instilling hope in those who were once incarcerated, but also to shed light to those who have never experienced incarceration. To see the beauty that is trapped behind those walls as well as being able to witness successes after what can be one of the most strengthening and humbling struggles upon being released, has to be one of the most honorable positions I have held. I have had the privilege of watching what some may consider the worst of the worst become the most peaceful and beautiful examples of God’s grace, the hardest of “criminals” drop to their knees in brokenness and surrender, and most importantly the transformation that can and does happen when an individual experiences true forgiveness from God, others, and finally themselves.

For most, the idea of prison is scary. After all, it is portrayed in media as a lonely, hopeless, and desiccating place. Truth be told, for some, this portrait is incredibly accurate. On numerous occasions since coming home, it has been suggested to me to put that chapter of my life behind me, to let it go. I have also had conversations with individuals who are trying to forget the time they spent there. Personally, I cannot nor will I ever be able to let go of or forget the eight years I spent in the department of corrections. I found hope and beauty there. I found true friendships there. I found myself and I found life there. To say it simply, I am actually grateful I went to prison.

The fact is those bars represent where my heart remains somewhat imprisoned…with the ladies I left behind. The other part of my heart is with the ones who are on the other side and are continuing in their quest to rebuild their life back in society. The bars themselves ARE cold…the lives behind them are not. The minute I or we forget about the bars themselves, is the minute I fear we will also forget the people behind them.

Being on both sides of prison walls for anyone who has experienced it can be eye opening …..No, it should be eye opening. I believe however, when individuals go through the fire so to speak and make it, we come out stronger and in a position to help the next one make it through as well. Somewhere along the line, people lost sight of this. We forgot about compassion, decency, and forgiveness and instead we plead ignorance and offer judgment.

My father’s words still play over and over in my head and heart as they did when I took the job at the county jail…”These people are not bad people, they just made bad decisions. Do not judge them, that is not your job and besides you do not know their story. Instead be the only hope they might have, be the only “Jesus” they might see. You never know Lisa; you might be the only one to believe in them.”

I can’t do that as an officer anymore, I lost that position when I broke the law. I cannot do that as an inmate anymore for I have done my time. I can however, do that as a woman who has now walked the same road they have, a woman who understand and wants to not only honor her father’s memory, but to also open other’s eyes to God’s undiscovered treasures on both sides of the bars .

For me, regardless of the cold and cruel memories I do have about my time of incarceration, my eyes are wide open to what truly matters…the lives that remain...before anymore are lost.