Be Still and Breathe

It will be 11 months April 1st since I came home. Three hundred thirty five days to be exact come the end of this month. I am still overwhelmed.

Before I left I made a promise to myself to not take life for granted, to appreciate the small things in life, keep in contact with friends I was leaving behind, and most importantly to stick to the plan I had made. I believed I had it all figured out. Then I stepped out of those gates into the real world.

WOW. Things definitely changed. I mean I kind of thought they would, but again, WOW.

The first thing I noticed was the obvious increase in technology and the unfortunate decrease in human relationships. Please do not misunderstand, there are still relationships out here, it’s just all threesomes from what I can see, two people and technology. There is barely any human intimacy anymore. This still makes me sad. I spent eight years of my life longing for untimed and unsupervised conversations and affection. I now long for verbal conversations instead of texts, and seeing real smiles and tears instead of emoji’s. Getting someone to put their phone down or even just silence it for an hour is actually offensive to suggest, not to mention, the majority of the time, impossible to make happen. The truly sad part is, as much as I despise this current trend, I find myself getting caught up in it quite often. Another thing I found to be impossible. In order for me to get back into a “normal life” these days, I had to adjust to what life expects. Sadly, that expectation includes the wonderful world of telephones, computers, I-pads, tablets, watches, etc.

The second thing I noticed is that time outside of the gates seems to travel by the speed of light! Seriously, I used to think I was busy over the last decade. After one month out here, I realized I was definitely not even close to understanding the word. I remember thinking that things would calm down after I found employment since I no longer had to work so hard to find a job. Needless to say I was beyond wrong. Everything seemed to get crazier! Not only did I have to learn a new job, I had to work even harder to play catch up because I was behind almost an entire decade! Oh and did I mention I was working two jobs? That’s still not counting the most important position I held of being a mother, which is a different chapter entirely. There just simply were not enough hours in the day to actually stop and smell the roses, let alone actually write a letter at the end of a day to let friends know I was thinking of them.

So, as far as those plans I had? Well, I found them being altered quite a bit with every single minute that passed.

Now do not get me wrong, I am not by any means saying not to make plans or set goals. Nor am I suggesting that it is impossible not to take life for granted or to slow down and simply enjoy the sound of rain, the wind on your face, or the smell of a flower…quite the contrary actually.

Life outside the gates is incredibly demanding and draining, yet it is also the most exhilaratingly wonderful feeling in the world! Remember the saying about, “It’s not the hand you are dealt, it’s how you play the cards?” Well, that is definitely something you need to imbed in your head now. Make it your mantra so to speak.

Outside of those walls you will have the most incredible gift ever….the freedom to decide how you handle things. Let me mention this is a not easy thing to do. Actually, it is a choice you will have to make daily. However, I found this becomes easier with three simple points… patience, flexibility, and forgiveness.

You would think that we would have the word patience down to a science since at one point we had all the time in the world to simply sit and wait. Well, I am now talking about a different aspect of being patient. Are you ready?... You are going to have to be patient with yourself. It is going to take time to learn and adjust to life. You will not get it immediately. I mean I am still learning how to answer phones by swiping!! (You will understand once you get out what I am talking about!) Seriously though, take your time. Do not rush. The faster I tried to do things, the more mistakes I made. When I slowed down and actually took an extra minute (or 30) I figured things out a little easier. You will not understand everything overnight, and guess what? Neither did the people who weren’t in prison! Life is a progressive process; we take one step at a time for a reason.

Flexibility……ahhh, this is an incredible concept to learn. When writing the goals you want to accomplish and your plan in obtaining those goals, understand now that there will be changes and adjustments in accomplishing them. Consider this, behind the bars, there were a lot of things that you had to deal with that you had absolutely no control over. Outside of the bars is no different. By keeping that in mind, you are able to handle the twists and turns, as well as the obstacles life throws in any and every path you may be heading. Be ready with an alternate route. Be ready for the unexpected. Be flexible! We just simply cannot control everything…no matter how good we plan and prepare and no matter how much effort we put forth.

Finally, and this one remains difficult for me still, forgiveness, more specifically, forgiving yourself. Seriously, be prepared to accept that you are going to mess up. Not in big ways, but in the little things during the process of readjusting. Mistakes are most definitely going to happen. Do not beat yourself up. When I couldn’t grasp something new quickly, when my kids expected or assumed I understood how things are done now, when you total two cars in your first nine months home… (Yep!! I did that!!) …give yourself a break.

Another part to forgiving yourself is when your past tries to hinder you by those feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Your past is just that…your past! It does not define who you are now or who you are trying to become. It does however give you some definition! However, those feelings will creep up on you! Acknowledge them, forgive yourself, and continue to move forward.

Oh, and on a side note regarding this area, you will most likely have to forgive others too. People will not understand how you are feeling, the overwhelming emotions you are dealing with, your need for space, and your desire to try to do things on your own. They are going to want to help, give their opinions, and maybe even express their disapproval when things are not done the way they suggested. Forgive them. They will never comprehend something they have never experienced and most of them have the best of intentions when offering assistance.

I have always been a rambler. I believe if God gave me anything other than my children, He definitely blessed me with the gift of gab. This may be what I am doing now. However, my thoughts are to give you my little experiences so that you can hopefully walk out those gates slightly more prepared for life than I did.

I love my life. I never realized how much I took for granted until I lost it all and gained it back. Every now and then, I forget for a minute how it was eleven months ago. Then I think to myself, even in the toughest of times when I just want to scream …I am blessed to be able to deal with this. I am blessed because I get to pay this bill, listen to my kids argue, work on a computer, answer a phone, and feel exhausted after working for an actual paycheck that adds up to far more than $15 a month. Twelve months ago, I had none of these opportunities, today I get to experience them all.

I even make time to simply stop and breathe, and I have people in my life who gently reminds me when I don’t. I enjoy small things like walks outside, and sitting on a couch talking or listening to music. I do not need the best of everything because I have it already. My family and my freedom, what else could a girl want?

So, get prepared for this crazy fast, progressive process called life. Make your plans flexible, be patient on your journey- taking one step at a time, day by day, and remember you are human and that absolutely no one is perfect.

Oh, and most importantly, make sure you simply breathe.