My Final Curtain Call

Shakespeare tells us that life is basically a stage, and up until this point I honestly did not realize just how accurate he was. However, after serving eight years in the Illinois Department of Corrections and finally being released on May 1st of this year, I’ve realized that Shakespeare was pretty much dead on in his writing. For I have played many roles throughout my life.

My acting debut began as an infant when I was born into the part of a pastor’s daughter. Although I do not remember a lot about this role, I know without a doubt, that this is when my father raised me to act well-mannered and polite, follow the golden rule of treating others the way I want to be treated, and to trust God and him to keep me safe from all harm. Needless to say, I know I must have liked this role, because I continued playing this part throughout my childhood, even after Dad was no longer a pastor. It was like seeing the world through rose colored glasses. In my mind, people were loving, caring, honest, and genuinely had good intentions. Plus, if they did make a mistake or a choice that hurt me, well, I was to forgive them as Christ forgave me, keeping no record of wrong. This was what was expected of a Christian after all.

With all of this in mind, transitioning into my next role was very difficult. It taught me that I had been really naïve in my beliefs about people. At the age of 18, I moved to Minneapolis, Minnesota to attend college, and just after one semester I became a victim of a brutal rape, the second major role in my acting career. For the first time in my life I felt hatred, shame, and worthlessness. I was confused, embarrassed, and basically broken……not just physically; but emotionally, mentally, and most importantly, spiritually. Forgiveness definitely was not something I could give; after all I was angry at God and even my father. I felt they had lied to me. The concept of people genuinely having good in them was a joke because where was the good in this man taking everything from me? I started questioning everything I had believed at this point. I dropped out of college, returned home, and allowed these questions and that victim mentality to slowly warp my heart and my mind.

Then, I auditioned for a part in the United States Army and received the title of a Combat Medical Specialist. I loved this role!! I felt honorable and respected. I had overwhelming pride for my country. I could help the less fortunate and honestly, if it came down to it, shoot the people who hurt them. (Yep, I loved my M-16!) In fact, when I was at the range or target practice, I found myself tapping into all that hatred and bitterness that I had been holding onto for so long and barely ever missed a shot! I started to feel worth something again……and then I fell in love.

I married on June 21st, 1997 and became a wife. Now, all the training in the world did not prepare me for this part. I trusted and loved harder than I had ever done before. Those rose colored glasses were back on; after all I was living a fairy tale!

However the storyline changed. My husband started cheating and eventually became an abusive alcoholic, therefore making me, a battered wife

Once again, my world as I knew it shattered. I experienced all of the same emotions as I did when I was raped, only this time the person who hurt me was the one I trusted with everything. I became basically a shell of the woman I thought I had become. The only good that came out of this role were my two oldest daughters. Quite honestly, it was them who finally motivated me to quit playing the victim role. I packed our stuff and left.

Now, as I said earlier, my father had left the ministry. He worked multiple jobs until he finally settled where he said people needed God the most……the county jail. He even encouraged me to apply there

I remember my father telling me that it was very important how I acted in this position. It was not my place to judge after all. He said that these individuals I were to help keep secured, were not bad people……they just made bad choices. I remember him also telling me that I might be the one person to believe in them…to give them hope. I might be the only Jesus they see as well, and not by preaching either…but simply by my actions and attitude. Needless to say though, his opinion and my brokenness from all I had been through, were not a good combination for this job. In most people’s opinions, I wasn’t hard enough, I showed too much compassions, and I treated them as humans and not criminals. Ultimately, I found myself in a situation that I handled incorrectly despite all of my training and knowledge of security, as well as the oaths that I took vowing to uphold the law.

In fact, it was this decision that led me to my incarceration and actually the last time I actually wore a costume so to speak. However, it was in this role that I finally found what it seems I had been searching for all along and more specifically I found out who I am and how valuable I truly am.

Behind those walls, I realized that I am tired of role playing and it took me going to prison to see this. For my entire life I had been playing parts according to someone else’s script. I have worn titles that others have given me in which in the grand scheme of things, I let define who I was for long periods of my life. Not anymore though.

My final curtain call was the day I stepped out of those gates. I shed all my costumes and put away all the props. In a sense, I walked out of there naked. For the first time I exhaled, held my head high, and walked through the doors only as Lisa.

Now, here I sit, two months later, trying to rebuild my life. I continue to look for employment. I press forward in the struggle to reconnect with my three daughters and earn their respect…not only as their mother but as a woman of strength and integrity. There are times it would simply be easier to fall back into that well- rehearsed victim mentality. However, that is simply not an option for me today.

I believe I have proven Shakespeare’s theory quite well. For me, I can say without hesitation or doubt that each and every role I have played has taught me valuable lessons which will remain instrumental in my life. I can also say that I am grateful for each and every one of those experiences, and honestly I would not change a single aspect of my past for it has helped shape me into who I am today.

Life may have been a stage for Shakespeare or may still be for many others, but not for me. God is the current author and director of my life script. What I love best about that is He gives me the freedom to simply be myself in all situations. Yet, if I need input and direction at any time……all I need to do is ask Him and He will provide.

In reality my acting career is over. However, I am still someone people should take a look at now and then....... for with God as the director of my life? My story is really just beginning.